I’m a high school drop out. But I was a good student. Decent grades, student government, well liked etc. The reason I dropped out might seem weak to some but make perfect sense to others; I never got any sleep. And it didn’t start when I was a teenager.
Even before kindergarten I had problems dealing with exhaustion. In preschool, I would try to lay on the couch instead of playing games with the other kids. Of course this didn’t fly and I would get pulled off the couch by my arms and forced to participate. I hated it so much.
As I moved through school the problem got worse. I can still remember what it was like trying to listen to lectures and instruction. Things like art and shop classes were the hardest. Whenever I had to stand around watching an example of how to run a sewing machine or a table saw I was like, wait what? I couldn’t focus my mind and my vision and hearing didn’t seem to work well either.
I was known for falling asleep in class. Everyday after biology I had creases up and down my face from the zipper on my hoody which I used as a pillow.
Eventually my parents came to recognize how debilitating my insomnia was. By the end of middle school they were letting me miss as many days as I needed. In the 8th grade I missed 51 days. But I kept my grades up, stayed social, even was elected class president. But these things didn’t change the fact that lack of sleep would eventually cause me to go crazy and become seriously depressed and suicidal.
Towards the end of my sophomore year of high school I was sleeping probably 10 hours for every three or four days. My mom got scared watching me come home everyday to melt down on the kitchen floor. I don’t remember how open I was about wanting to kill myself but I think it was obvious I wasn’t safe. I can’t say with scientific accuracy how much of my problem was pure depression or depression exacerbated by lack of sleep, but anyone getting so little sleep is eventually going to reach a breaking point.
In high school, we got a doctors’ note allowing for more absences than was normally tolerated. But I still got dropped from classes for attendance and was flunking out of others. Administrators were losing their patience with me but my mom had lost her patience with them and the school system as a whole. She approached me about withdrawing from school. “No way”, I said, “dropping out is for pregnant girls and kids who do drugs.” I was stuck in the mode of thinking you can drive a square peg into a round hole. I was young and ignorant. I couldn’t see that there was no shame in getting an alternative education. I had to learn that it’s a perfectively acceptable way to finish high school and would still be a path to college.
The option of going straight to a local college was what tipped the scales for me. One of my brothers had attended and insisted it would solve my problem. He explained the advantages of being able to have my own schedule. I could pick and choose what I studied and when I would go to class. When he showed me I could take afternoon classes and have a three day weekend, that clinched it for me. The prospect of being able to sleep in and only spend a few hours away from home everyday seemed perfect.
Before “dropping out” I had been spending a lot of time considering my options by working with my school counselor. When it became apparent I was not going to be able to finish my sophomore year (or possibly not survive it), she was very supportive. Without ever conversing with my mother, she accepted my decision to withdraw. When I asked her if my mom should come in and sign the paperwork with me, she said with a smile, “It’s ok, I trust you.” So, I’m not sure me leaving school was fully legal. Take that conventionalism.