When I was a kid I wanted to be a truck driver when I grew up. Or a marine. Or, if you go back far enough, a monkey. I definitely did not want to be paid for being sick, aka be on disability. I didn’t know it was a thing until about middle school. That’s when I started learning about entitlement and welfare. People getting paid to be poor… it was an outrage.
But it’s not like I gave it much thought. I was busy like any other kid and teenager focusing on school and what I wanted to do for a living. I ended up loving art, and eventually computers. At age 28, I was convinced that I was going to be a successful web developer. But unfortunately, that same year I had a manic break, got suspended from college, and moved into my parents basement.
Things continued to get worse from there and at the age of just 31, I found myself applying for, and getting approved for, disability. I had become one of the people I had been warned about as a kid. I did not take it well.
I exhibited a lot of shame behaviors right away, particularly at the grocery store. For a long time I would only shop at night and use the self-checkouts (no matter how much I had in the cart) so no one would see me use my EBT card. And I tried to buy only fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I didn’t feel worthy to have a breakfast burrito on the way to work. I certainly wasn’t worthy to have cookies and a Dr. Pepper in my lunch. Soda from food stamps? For shame!
I also hated showing my state insurance card at pharmacies and doctor offices. But some of my meds are expensive, like 1400 dollars expensive. And no one will accept just my embarrassment as currency. So there aren’t many alternatives to using Medicaid. I know I still have hang-ups because right now I’m refusing to go to the dentist. I think I might have a cavity but I’m scared I’ll get shamed for poor flossing habits and being on social security.
I’m trying to come to terms with having a disability in a first world country. I feel like if I’m sick I shouldn’t be functional, only homeless. And if I’m functional, I should be totally independent. It seems like I’ll only accept myself if I’m totally destitute or middle class and higher. But that in-between is shameful. I don’t know why.