I’m approaching my mid-thirties and feel like a dog about to hit adolescence. I’m no longer a cute puppy ‘piddling’ on the floor but a grown dog making a mess. I figure someone is close to calling me out on my lack of age appropriate progress. My friends are becoming professionals in their fields, having kids, and buying homes. Meanwhile, I’m still crashing with relatives, unable to hold down a job, or on a really off day, cook for myself.
I like my friends. They’re compassionate, intelligent, hard working people. They’re such good people, I’m afraid they’re only friends with me because they feel sorry for me. It’s a fear I haven’t been able to shake and kind of just hangs in there as I get older.
It started about the time I dropped out of high school and my complex of being unable to “cut it” began. Even though some people expressed admiration, even jealousy, for my alternative route, I just couldn’t believe them. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see someone doing something different, I just saw a failure.
The point is, it’s got to be soon that people are going to stop feeling sorry for me and realize the way I live my life is not admirable or endearing; how I don’t shower, can’t pick out my own clothes, or at times, drive a car. I’m waiting for someone to finally lose their patience and point out what a burden and a liability I am. Any minute now…